


Trial By Fire

by GraceRB



Category: Supernatural
Genre: Angst, Bisexual Dean Winchester, Domestic Fluff, Emotional Abuse, Hunters, John is a terrible father, Love at First Sight, M/M, Major character death - Freeform, Top Castiel/Bottom Dean Winchester, angel!cas - Freeform, human!dean, no hell au, sad as fuck
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-11-23
Updated: 2020-12-01
Packaged: 2021-03-09 19:34:22
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 5
Words: 14,631
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/27681527
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/GraceRB/pseuds/GraceRB
Summary: Dean has had insomnia his entire life. Sleep was always scary for him -- his mother died when he was asleep, and there was nothing he could do about it. When Dean was 22, Sam thought he was asleep when he said, "I'm leaving, Dean." And Dean couldn't do anything to stop it. Four years later and Jessica Moore dies in a house fire. And Dean couldn't do anything about it. He meets Castiel, a strange, nerdy little guy, and falls in love. And there's nothing he could do about it.
Relationships: Dean Winchester/Castiel, Sam Winchester/Jessica Moore
Comments: 20
Kudos: 68





	1. one

**Author's Note:**

> So i just had this idea and needed to get it out. this is a first draft, completely unedited. I'm sort of making up the story as i go, so i apologize if it's horrible. Thanks for reading!

Dean was asleep when she died. His mother, of course. She died in a house fire. 

Or so that's what John said. Right up until Dean was ten, when John considered him to be "old enough" to know the truth. That a demon killed his mother. And Dean was asleep, dreaming about teddy bears or race cars or whatever the fuck children dream about. 

Dean always felt guilty. Because he couldn't help. Because he wasn't strong enough. 

He felt even guiltier when he found out that it was a monster that killed his mother. Something that could have been prevented, something that Dean could have killed in order to save her -- As Dean got older, he realized that thinking about what he didn't do was too painful. So he stopped thinking.

He followed John's orders like a good little soldier. That's what he had to become. Just some grunt that followed every order without questions and with no hesitation. Dean killed vampires and vetalas and ghosts -- he followed John everywhere. And he tried to be a good son. He tried so damn hard. 

Sam was different. Quite similar to John, in most respects, but he desperately fought that notion at every turn. And Sam was damn curious. 

He asked Dean all sorts of questions, about their mother, about where Dad goes, about monsters. And Dean doesn’t know how to tell Sam to stop so he just yells, just like John would do. He felt guilty about it after, but he didn’t regret protecting Sam. He’d never regret protecting Sam. 

So when Sam was fourteen and ran off for two weeks to Flagstaff, when he was off having the time of his life, living off pizza and Dr. Pepper with a dog named Bones, Dean got yelled at for hours about responsibility and told how he had “One job, Dean. I gave you one job. Watch out for Sammy.”

“I’m sorry, Dad, I’m sorry! I was watching him, really! I don’t know what happened, I’m sorry!”

“That’s not good enough, Dean. He could have been kidnapped or killed. Find him or it’s your ass!” 

“Yes, sir.”

So Dean searched for days, and didn’t sleep at all. He couldn’t. He laid down to sleep, several times, but he laid awake for hours. So instead, he kept driving to look for Sam. He found him, eventually, and breathed a huge sigh of relief. 

“You’re okay,” Dean said. He pulled Sam into a bear hug. 

“Yeah, Dean, I’m fine.”

“Dad and I have been looking for you -- you should have called.” 

“I’m sorry, I was just --”

“We’re going home.”

“Dean, I --”

“We’re going home.”

“Okay.”

\---

Then when Dean was 22, and Sam was eighteen, he heard something he shouldn’t have. 

Dean was trying to sleep in the motel, but he wasn’t even tired. John was in some city a few states away and Sam was out studying for a college-required standardized test. The ACT or something, but Dean couldn’t really remember. 

It was around midnight when Sam came back home. 

When he heard the motel door unlock, Dean closed his eyes. He hoped Sam would think he was asleep. 

“Dean, are you asleep?” Sam waited a moment. “Yeah? Good.” 

Dean made a small snoring sound, hoping to sell his supposedly unconscious state. He turned, so he was facing away from Sam, and watched his baby brother in the mirror. 

He looked sort of sad, and sat down on his bed, setting his backpack on the ground beside him. “Dean, I can’t be stuck here anymore -- with Dad or, or with you, and I’m so sorry, Dean. I’m applying to Stanford, and I’ve got scholarships to cover tuition…”

He paused again. Dean watched him tear up a little, and Sam started to cry. He touched Dean’s shoulder blade, his touch light and barely noticeable. “I’m leaving, Dean. The first chance I get, I’m getting out of this life.”

Dean made a small grumble, something completely involuntary, and it was disapproving. He resisted the urge to cover his mouth. Sam just chuckled, and removed his hand. He sat back on his own bed and started to take off his shoes. “Even asleep, you still have to argue with me.”

And then Sam brushed his teeth and went to sleep like he hadn’t said anything. 

Dean sat up and watched his brother sleep. And for once, he was jealous about the peace on his brother’s face. 

\---

Sam did what he said he was going to. Dean shouldn’t have been surprised. 

He left and John blew up and he told Sam to never come back. 

Dean was so angry at both of them. Why couldn’t they just realize that they loved each other? That not everything was about them? Why couldn’t they just get along?

Dean hated getting in the middle of their fights, especially when both of them were so set on their own paths. John wanted Sam to stay. And Sam wanted to leave. There was nothing Dean could say to change their minds. 

There was absolutely nothing Dean could do and it sort of broke him. 

So when Sam left, slamming doors and hitching a ride to the bus station, Dean didn’t even have it in him to cry. And John just yelled. “Did you know about this?”

“No, sir.”

“Why didn’t you say anything?”

“I thought you didn’t need my help.”

“He doesn’t listen to me, Dean. He listens to you. Say something next time.”

“Yes, sir.”

Dean thought it always hurt, no matter who said it or why, for someone to say “do better next time.” Maybe it was supposed to be encouraging, but it just made him feel worse about himself. John always told Dean to do better. To be better. 

Every time he heard it Dean broke a little more. 

\---  
Dean thought he could fall no further. 

He was 25 now, just shy of 26. He’d visited Sam at school maybe once, called a few times, but really just tried to give Sam the normal life he wanted. He’d do anything for Sam. 

It hurt, to know that Sam was happy without Dean. But Dean realized after a few years, that maybe he was allowed to be happy without Sam. 

His hypothesis was proven true when someone -- Dean was sure he was an angel -- just popped into his life. 

Dean was in a phone booth, one of those glass ones, holding the phone up to his ear. He was listening to the dial tone, because he hadn’t typed in any numbers yet. His hand was hovering just above the keypad, and he really just didn’t know what to say. 

There was a humming, something high pitched and definitely not coming from the phone. Dean dropped the handset and covered his ears, squeezed his eyes shut tight, and the glass around him burst. 

It exploded outward and inward at the same time, slicing up Dean’s forearms and face, leaving what must have been hundreds of little cuts everywhere. Dean was pushed over, breaking right through the glass and landing on his side on the loose gravel road. 

And then there was a man.

Dean’s ears were ringing and he couldn’t quite see the man -- he was facing away from the sun, completely silhouetted -- so he tried to get to his knees, at least. He was too dizzy, and fell back onto his side. 

After a few minutes, Dean looked up at the man again. He was able to stand this time, but stumbled a little. The man helped to prop him up for a moment, letting go the instant he deemed Dean to be stable. “Who are you?”

“Castiel,” The man replied. His voice was deep, his face was serious, and his eyes were blue like the ocean. “You are Dean Winchester, correct?”

“Yes,” He said. “What are you? A demon?”

“No,” Castiel shook his head lightly. “I’m not allowed to tell you what I am yet.”

“So you’re not human.”

“My vessel is. Not me.”

“Are you sure you’re not a demon?”

“I’m sure.”

And that was the first time Castiel ever made Dean laugh. Castiel wasn’t expecting Dean to be so… cheerful. 

Dean wiped his face -- the little cuts were gathering tiny pools of blood, and he should probably find some band-aids. He turned back to the now destroyed phone booth. “Did you do that, Castiel?”

“I was trying to tell you I would be arriving shortly, but it didn’t go as expected. My apologies, Dean.”

“It’s fine, I guess,” Dean shrugged. He looked at his forearms to assess the damage. It wasn’t too bad. “I just wish I hadn’t been nearby when it exploded.” 

Castiel opened his mouth once, then closed it. “I can heal you, if you’d like.” 

“Do you practice magic or something?” Dean held his hands up, almost in defense. “Because I don’t -- I don’t like witches.”

“I assure you, I’m not a witch.”

Dean was skeptical. “Okay. You understand that’s exactly what a witch would say, right?” 

Castiel narrowed his eyes. “You don’t trust me, do you?”

“Well, I don’t know, man,” Dean wiped at his face again because he could taste blood on his lips. “You just show up outta nowhere, make a phone booth explode on me, and oh, you can apparently do magic, but you’re not a witch.”

“That’s a succinct way to put it,” Castiel remarked. He watched Dean wipe his face a third time. “The cuts seem to be bothering you. I can clean them if you don’t want me to heal you.”

“It’s alright,” Dean said, waving a hand dismissively. He turned towards his car, well, John’s car, a 67 Impala. “Baby has some medical supplies in her trunk.” Dean walked over and unlocked the trunk. He picked up the little medical bag and noticed that Castiel had walked over with him. He was right beside Dean. “Whoa, buddy, personal space.”

Castiel took a tiny half step backwards. “Are you sure I can’t help?”

Dean huffed. “I’m sure.” he closed the trunk and set the bag on top, opening it to get out some alcohol to clean the cuts. He started with his arms, so he’d have something to look at other than Castiel. They guy was a little distracting. 

Castiel watched Dean’s forearms with a fascinated interest. He looked at his own hand for a moment, then back at Dean’s. “I haven’t been in a male vessel before,” He said, and it sounded like he was confessing something. 

“Does that mean you’ve been in a female one before?” Dean glanced over at Castiel, just a quick side-eye. Didn’t risk turning his head all the way.

“Yes,” Castiel nodded. “Once. About a hundred years ago.”

Dean raised his eyebrows a bit. “So you’re over a hundred years old.”

“I’m much older than that, actually,” He explained. “I’ve lost count of how many years.”

“So you’re extremely old. I must seem like a baby.”

“Not particularly. My vessel is only six years older than you. So it feels like I’m only six years older.”

Dean furrowed his brows but didn’t question the reasoning. He winced as he wrapped up his arms with gauze, and when he finished he finally turned to look at Castiel again. “So why exactly are you here, Castiel?”

Castiel met Dean’s eyes. “I was sent for you.”

“To what, retrieve me?”

“Not exactly.”

“Are you,” Dean gulped, realizing that what he was about to say was probably going to make him cry later. “Are you going to watch over me?” Like John watched over me? Like I watched over Sam?

If Castiel said yes, Dean was going to punch him and leave. 

“No,” Castiel said. “I’m here to be there for you.”

It was something that made Dean want to look away. No one, in all his life, had said something like that. It made Dean feel really special. “Just for me?”

And Castiel nodded.


	2. two

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Tomorrow is Dean's 26th birthday. And Castiel has something to say.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Again this chapter is completely unedited! I apologize for my weird phrasings, and if there are any mistakes you see please comment and let me know! Also the first few lines are sort of confusing because i use past tense and future tense so apologies. I hope you enjoy! 
> 
> Also Happy Thanksgiving to all the Americans out there.
> 
> I also had no idea that people would already be reading this!! I appreciate your kudos so much!

Castiel had been around for a few months. And tomorrow was Dean’s 26th birthday. 

Sometimes Castiel would be around, and sometimes he wouldn’t. Whenever he’d leave, Dean would freak out a little. After Sam left -- Dean doesn’t really like to be alone anymore. 

That particular evening, Dean was getting drunk. It would be the fourth year in a row he spent his birthday alone. Because Castiel wasn’t there either. 

They’d sort of become friends. Dean tried to make jokes with Castiel, but they’d never really land. It kind of upset him, but he was glad there was someone to just listen to him. It didn’t matter if the jokes were laughed at. It was enough for them to just be heard. Dean always caught the guy staring at him, for no apparent reason. It almost always makes Dean blush. 

“Cas,” Dean said the nickname slowly, making it into a long ‘a’ sound. He looked around, his movements sluggish and exaggerated from the half empty whiskey bottle in his hand. “You’re supposed to be here,” He whined. He looked at his watch, and saw that it was five minutes to midnight. “My birthday is about to start, you’re gonna miss it.”

Dean had a special plan for his 26th birthday. He decided on it on New Year’s Eve, when Castiel had let Dean take him to a bar. 

When people started kissing at midnight, Castiel looked confused. Dean figured maybe the guy wanted a kiss, but he didn’t know how to go about asking if that was the case. He would have done it himself, but there were a lot of people around, and Dean didn’t see any other pairs of men. So instead, he finished his drink, clapped Castiel on the shoulder, and started to walk outside. Castiel had followed immediately, because he always did. 

But here, they could be alone. Dean counted on it.

“Cas,” Dean whined again. 

And suddenly Castiel was there. “Hello, Dean,” he sat down in a chair beside Dean’s. 

“Cas, you gotta promise to stay all day,” Dean said suddenly, grabbing onto Castiel’s arm with a sudden burst of drunk intensity. “Please, don’t leave today.”

Castiel narrowed his eyes. “I promise, Dean.”

Dean looked at his watch. It read 11:59. “Hey Cas, do you remember New Years?”

“Yes.”

“Remember how everyone kissed at midnight?”

“Yes.”

“Hey, Cas.”

“What is it, Dean?”

“It’s midnight. And my birthday.”

“And you’re drunk.”

“Yes I am.”

Dean stood up, walked over to Cas, straddled him on his chair, and kissed him. 

Castiel seemed mildly surprised, but put up no resistance. He kissed back, as if on instinct, and Dean leaned into him. He let his heavy drunk body lay loose while his lips lazily brushed against Castiel’s. It seemed magical. Heavenly. 

“Dean,” Castiel said into the kiss after a few moments. 

Dean wrapped his arms around Castiel’s shoulders, and pulled away from those pillowy lips. He rested his forehead on his arm. “I’m sorry.”

Castiel’s hands were suddenly on Dean’s lower back. “Don’t be. I enjoyed that.”

“You did?”

“Yes,” Castiel confirmed. “I’m sorry to cut it short, but you need to rest. You should enjoy your birthday, not be taken advantage of while you’re drunk.” 

“You’ll stay, right?”

“I promised, didn’t I?”

“You did.”

So Dean let go of Castiel’s shoulders, and slid backwards off his lap, one leg at a time. When he was standing, he looked down at Castiel, who stared back up at him with what looked like wonder on his face. “Dean, you should sleep.”

“I don’t really sleep, you know,” Dean stated, rather matter-of-factly. “Kinda like you. I know you just watch me at night. I used to think it was creepy, but not so much anymore.”

“You knew about that?”

Dean nodded sluggishly. “Can I kiss you one more time? Then I promise I’ll go lay down.”  
Castiel seemed to be keeping his emotions buried, because his expression was unreadable when he nodded. 

Dean just blinked at him, before he realized Castiel was standing up and grabbing his bicep and bringing their mouths together again. Dean leaned into him, and Castiel barely moved. He was so solid, and Dean actually felt like this wasn’t a dream. 

But then Castiel was pulling away, and reality crashed in. 

Dean smiled as politely as he could, then turned around and fell face first onto his bed. He felt his shoes being untied and pulled off, and his arms were manhandled out of his coat. He also swore he felt a kiss on his temple, but maybe it was just fingers or a bug or something. There was no way he and Castiel just kissed. No way. 

Dean slept for less than two hours, a fitful restless thing, and woke up disoriented with a headache. He sat up and looked around, and when he saw Castiel, sitting in a chair and watching him, he felt tied to the ground. The world stopped spinning. 

“Happy birthday, Dean.” 

Dean shivered, from the words, or maybe the expression on Castiel’s face, or maybe just from the cold. It was January, after all. 

“Cas, will you lay with me?”

“Of course,” Castiel stood and took off his trench coat, toed off his boots, and strode across the room with wide, confident steps. He kept his eyes on Dean the entire time. “What time would you like me to wake you?”

“I don’t think I’ll be sleeping for a second.”

Dean laid back at the same moment Castiel leaned forward, like two parallel lines shifting. “Is that so?” Castiel gave Dean the tiniest of smiles, the first smile he’d ever made on Earth. 

“Cas, can I kiss you again?”

“Of course.”

Dean reached up and took Castiel’s face in both hands, and pulled him down. It wasn’t a hungry kiss, but there was something so desperate about it, at least on Dean’s end. Castiel was passionate but strangely methodical too, like every movement had been perfectly planned out a very long time ago. 

Dean didn’t mind very much, because even though the kiss was slow, Castiel was doing very well. Castiel’s hands were on either side of Dean’s body, so their only point of contact was the kiss, and Dean wanted to change that very much. He grabbed Castiel’s shoulders and sort of rolled them, so Castiel was on his back, then Dean straddled him. 

He seemed to really like that move. It was only surprising because he’d never done it before, not with anyone. But Castiel just had this different energy to him, one that demanded he be straddled whenever possible. 

Castiel broke the kiss after several, sweet and breathless minutes. “Dean, I have to ask you something.”

“Is there any way it could wait until later?”

“No,” Castiel started to sit up, pushing Dean backwards with a single hand on his chest. “It can’t.” 

Unable to move back into Castiel’s personal space, Dean sighed and put his hands back by his sides. “What is it then?”

“I’m not supposed to be here.”

Dean instantly felt guilty. “So you’re leaving too, then, huh?”

“No,” Castiel shook his head. “I came here for you. I’m supposed to be here for you, I just -- I came three years too early.” His hand found its way to the side of Dean’s face. 

“What’s that supposed to mean?” Dean wanted to growl it, but he couldn’t find it in himself to be angry. Instead, he clamped down on Castiel’s wrist, intent on pushing him away. But he couldn’t find it in himself to do that, either.

Castiel looked away, trying to collect his thoughts. “I -- I changed something I shouldn’t have by coming here.”

“That doesn’t answer my question, Cas.”

Castiel just sighed. “I understand that,” His hand fell into Dean’s lap, which was still on top of his own. “Based on what I’ve seen these past few months, you’re not going to believe what I need to say. But I need to tell you.”

“You should let me decide what I believe.”

Castiel huffed in disbelief. “I’m an angel.”

“Right,” Dean nodded. “And I’m a pony.”

“Like I said, you don’t believe me.” Castiel held onto Dean’s shoulders and closed his eyes for a moment. When he opened them again, they glowed a bright blue, and Castiel’s skin started to glow a light golden hue. 

Dean’s eyes widened, and he watched as the large shadows of wings unfolded on the wall. His mouth opened with shock and he unconsciously reached around Castiel to feel his back, but there was nothing but a cotton shirt.

“How -- How are you doing that?”

Castiel returned to normal and the room darkened again. “I’m an angel.” He reached under Dean’s pillow, and pulled out Dean’s hunting knife. “Stab me with this. I won’t die.”

Dean shot up, scrambling off of Castiel and putting his hands up defensively. “I’m not gonna stab you! What, do you have a death wish?” Castiel sighed in frustration and turned the knife on himself, aiming to stab his stomach. Dean quickly grabbed the knife, “Wait! Wait! I believe you!”

“Dean, I understand you have a survival instinct that goes against this, but if you let me show you, I promise I won’t die.” His free hand pried Dean’s off the knife, and he stabbed himself. 

Dean covered his eyes. “Son of a bitch, why did you do that?”

“Dean, look, I’m unharmed,” Castiel looked completely unfazed, and the blood on the knife and on his shirt was the only indication he’d just been stabbed. But the skin beneath the rip in the shirt was intact. 

Dean reached out to touch the skin, as if he needed to check just in case. “How?” He met Castiel’s eyes, and blushed at the look he saw there. “Angel, got it.” He nodded quickly and took a step backwards, withdrawing his hand. 

Suddenly all of the blood was gone, and Castiel set the knife on the nightstand. “Dean, that was only part of it. Come back here and sit down.”

“Okay,” Dean was a little more nervous, now that he knew what all of that power surrounding Castiel really was. He couldn’t meet the angel’s eyes. 

“Please don’t be scared of me,” Castiel said quickly, reaching for Dean’s hand again. 

“Okay, sure, I’ll get right on that.”

Castiel sighed and wanted to say something else, but thought it would be a fruitless exercise. He knew this information was going to change the way Dean saw him, but it needed to be said nonetheless. “Our first meeting was supposed to be in about three years. You and your brother were supposed to have been hunting together, and a set of horrible circumstances resulted in you selling your soul.”

Dean narrowed his eyes. “I’m going to stop you right there. First, Sam has a normal life, he’s never wanted to hunt, and he never would. And second, I would never sell my soul.”

“That’s where you’re wrong. I can’t tell you exactly what happens, because it’s still going to happen -- it’s all very complicated. The point is, in that other timeline, you went to Hell, and I rescued you. We were supposed to meet when you came back.”

“Then why did you change it?”

Castiel finally looked away and appeared to be blushing a bit. “That’s something I don’t want to tell you yet.”

“Then why tell me any of this? Why not just let me live in the dark?” 

“So what you’re saying is I have to tell you?”

“You don’t have to do anything, Cas. I’m just not gonna understand until you explain yourself.”

Castiel sighed. “I’ve been alive for a very long time, Dean. I’ve been watching humans for the longest time, making sure every plan plays out exactly as Heaven commanded. I was assigned to watch you, many years ago. To make sure you and your brother were born, grew up as hunters, everything. What I didn’t count on, what I never expected, was changing with you. Even though we had never met, I started to experience things like you did. When I came to Earth, those feelings were overwhelming. But you helped me.”

“What are you trying to say?”

Castiel hooked his hands under Dean’s knees and pulled him onto his own lap. He wrapped Dean’s legs around his waist and held his gaze for a few moments before dropping his it to their laps to say what needed to be said. “I fell in love with you, Dean.” 

Dean was speechless, to say the least. 

But his arms found their way to Castiel’s back, and soon they were holding each other tightly, with no more secrets between them.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So I hope this didn't come out of left field or anything!! Thanks for reading and I'll have the next chapter out soon.


	3. three

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Castiel loves Dean. Sam finally comes into the mix.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you so much for reading! I really hope you enjoy the chapter. It's unedited, so if you spot any mistakes please comment and let me know! I appreciate your kudos, have a wonderful day/night.

“Say it again.”

“I love you, Dean.”

“Just one more time.”

“I love you.”

It was February, only a couple of weeks after Dean’s birthday. 

Dean was having a lot of trouble accepting Castiel’s feelings. Accepting that they were real, of course. He had to admit, Castiel was very special to him. One of a kind, actually. 

“You’re sure?” Dean was driving his baby, with one hand on the wheel and the other was intertwined with Castiel’s. “This is a big decision for you, I don’t want you to regret it.”

“Good thing it can be reversed, then,” Castiel quipped, flashing Dean a new, joking smile. “But in all seriousness, Dean, I will never regret this. I will say this a thousand times, only because you can’t get it into that thick skull of yours, but I love you.”

“I understand, but have you thought this through?” Dean counters, like Castiel hadn’t just said something. “Do you understand what you’re giving up for me? No more flying, no more healing, no more magic powers at all.”

“It’s technically not magic,” Castiel interjected.

“Whatever. My point still stands.”

Castiel grumbled, but nodded. “Fine, I’ll keep my grace for a while longer. But understand, it will fade away as time goes on. Removing it now gives me access to it whenever necessary, and letting it fade means I can’t get it back.” 

“So you’ll become human naturally then?” 

“Yes.”

“Then let’s just do that.”

Castiel wanted to keep talking, but they’d been through this argument several times already. Either way, he was still becoming human. 

He could feel it starting already. “Okay.”

\---

Halloween was a few days away. 

Dean had gotten a mysterious call from his father, John, but nothing else. He looked to Castiel for help, but the angel insisted that he had to let this play out without interference. “Help me find him.”

“I can’t, Dean. I can go with you, but I can’t do anything for you.”

“Then there’s only one person I can go to.”

Castiel had a grim look on his face. “I’m afraid so.” He knew what was coming.

-

“Easy there, tiger,” Dean smiled. 

He had pinned Sam to the floor of his apartment at Stanford, after foolishly breaking in and decidedly not turning on the lights. Castiel was outside, leaning against Baby’s hood. (Normally Dean would protest, but for Castiel he made an exception.)

He said he wasn’t able to go inside, so Dean went in alone.

“Dean?” Sam’s voice was still fairly high pitched, Dean noticed, but it was definitely a man’s voice now. 

“Hey, Sammy.” Damn, it’s good to see you, he added in his mind. 

Sam turned on the lights and introduced Jessica, his girlfriend, and after a few well placed code words, Dean got Sam alone. He explained how John was missing, and that he needed help. He waited to mention Castiel until Sam went outside with him, overnight bag in hand, with resignation on his face. 

“Who’s that?” Sam asked Dean, as soon as Castiel was in sight. 

Dean blushed a little, getting out his keys. “My boyfriend. His name is Cas.”

Sam just chuckled lightly and shook his head. “I knew it, Dean. I’m happy for you, really.”

“Thanks.”

“Does he know about Dad? About hunting?”  
Castiel answered for Dean, possessively grabbing onto his boyfriend’s forearm. “He does.”

“Cas,” Dean hissed. He glared, trying to let the angel know that there was no need to be territorial. After a silent conversation with their eyes, Dean said, “Can you sit in the back, please?”

“Of course,” Castiel nodded and let go of Dean, opening the car door. He spared on glare at Sam, then sat down and shut the door. 

“What’s his problem?”

“He’s always grumpy. Don’t take it personally.” Dean walked around to the trunk. “Come here, Sammy, I’ll show you the recording of Dad’s message.”

After they found out where they were going, Sam got into the passenger seat, and Dean started up the engine. He looked back at Cas once, then put his arm over the bench, offering a hand. He did feel bad about snapping earlier. Castiel took it, and Dean only let go and moved his arm when it fell asleep after a few hours.

Sam needed to be back at Stanford by Monday for some interview, so they needed to take care of the case quickly. They did some research, and found the bridge where most of the victims were getting killed. 

Sam, Dean, and Castiel saw a woman in white on the railing, and then she fell forward. They ran to help her, but there was no one in the water. Then Baby turned herself on, and started to charge. “Who’s driving your car?” Sam asked, looking at Dean, then Castiel on his other side. 

Dean just held up his keys. 

Sam and Dean took off running, leaving Castiel behind, and jumped over the bridge railing. Sam was able to cling onto the support structures, but Dean landed in the mud on the riverbed below. Castiel had simply watched as Baby roared past, but ran to the rail when he heard a fleshy thud.

“Dean!” Castiel leaned over the bridge railing, desperately searching for his boyfriend. 

“I’m okay, Cas.”

-

The next day, Dean got arrested, but he figured it was worth it because he got John’s journal. Its presence let him know two things. First, John was really in trouble. Second, he now had all of John’s information and experience. 

As soon as he escaped the police, he showed off the journal to Castiel. “Look at this, babe,” he handed it to Castiel. “It’s my dad’s.”

“Beautiful handwriting,” Castiel remarked, turning the pages. 

Dean just chuckled. “Don’t say that to his face.”

“Why not?”

“Just don’t,” He took his phone out of his pocket, “I’m gonna call Sam, so be quiet.”

Castiel smirked, “If I were to say something like that, I believe you would make lewd noises next to me.”

“No I wouldn’t,” Dean smiled innocently. When Castiel gave him a look of disbelief, Dean simply surged forward and gave him a kiss as a little apology. Then he pulled back, fumbling with Castiel’s tie absentmindedly, and dialed Sam’s number. “Hey Sammy, what did you find out?” 

-

That night, after they finished up the case, Sam started packing up his duffel. The time inched closer to November second. A terrible anniversary for the brothers.

“I need to get back, Dean. I have an interview.”

“Right, the interview.” 

“I’m sorry, really.” 

“No, it’s fine. I just hope you get into the school, okay?”

“Cas can have the front seat.” For the first time, Castiel smiled at Sam. 

All three got into the Impala and Sam promptly fell asleep in the backseat. Dean thought about driving to John’s last clue, some coordinates, since Sam couldn’t exactly do anything about it -- but he was a man of his word. And this wasn't what Sam wanted. 

Castiel put his arm around Dean, and kissed his neck gingerly. “Seriously, Cas? I’m driving.”

“I’m only kissing you!” Castiel reasoned, pulling back to look at Dean. “I would ask Sam to drive so I could do more, but I’d rather not mentally scar him.”

Dean blushed and seriously resisted pulling over. “Cas, does that mean… you want to do more stuff like that?”

“Yes, I do,” Castiel nodded. “I wasn’t sure if you did, so I was waiting to ask about it.”

Dean glanced between Castiel in the road a few times. “Well, damn, Cas. You should have told me that sooner.” 

“My apologies, Dean.”

“It’s fine, Cas,” Dean waved dismissively with the hand that wasn’t on the wheel. Then he snaked it around Castiel’s waist to pull him closer. “Just know, as soon as we’re alone, that trench coat is coming off.”

He thought he saw the angel blush, but he had to keep his eyes on the road. “Of course, Dean. I would expect nothing less.”

“You two are so adorable,” Sam snickered from the backseat. 

“Sammy, you were supposed to be asleep.”

“All your sappiness kept me up,” Sam grumbled. 

-

They arrived at Sam’s apartment a few hours before midnight. Sam and Dean shared a fond goodbye; Castiel stayed in the car. 

“We made a good team, Sammy.”

“We did. Come visit when you can, alright?”

“Alright. Now get back to that beautiful girl up there,” Dean smiled. He clapped his younger brother on the shoulder and watched him turn to leave. “And Sammy?”

He turned back. “Yeah?”

“I know I said no chick flick moments earlier, but I love ya, kid.”

“I love you too, Dean. Get back to your man out there. I’m happy for you.”

“Thanks," It was the second time Dean heard it, but he still couldn't believe it was real.

Then Dean watched Sam walk out of his life. 

Again. 

To avoid tears, he turned around and walked back to Baby, where Castiel had gotten out and was leaning against the hood. His arms were crossed, but as soon as he saw Dean, he opened them for a hug. Dean went right into them, and held onto Castiel like his life depended on it. “I don’t know exactly what to say, Dean.”

Dean grumbled, waited a moment as he tightened his arms around the angel. “Just tell me everything will be okay, Cas.”

Castiel paused briefly, before saying, as sincerely as he could, “Everything will be okay.”

Dean made the tiniest of needy squeaks, and buried his face into Castiel’s neck. “Cas, tell me how you feel about me again?”

“I love you, Dean.”

“Say it again, please?”

“I love you.”

“I love you, too, Cas,” Dean pulled away just slightly, so he could see Castiel’s face. Dean hadn't said those words before, and Castiel's expression was priceless. He broke into a smile, despite his teary eyes. They moved to hold each other’s faces, and Castiel wiped Dean’s eyes. “I’m sorry for crying.”

“I don’t blame you. This is hard for you, I understand.”

“Oh, I love you,” Dean sighed, because Castiel was so understanding and so perfect. He leaned forward and kissed Castiel, a quick peck, only because he was interrupted by a large explosion from Sam’s apartment. Dean whipped his head around, “Oh, my god, Sam!” He pushed away from Castiel after a panicked look and ran inside, up to Sam’s room. “Sammy!” He yelled, seeing Sam laying on his bed, staring up at the ceiling. 

“Jess! No! Jess!” He was screaming. 

Dean picked him up and pulled him out, and he was still screaming Jess’s name. But she -- she was burning on the ceiling. She was gone, and Dean felt awful about it, but he had to save Sam. The least he could do was protect Sam one more time. He dragged him outside, to Castiel and Baby, and he was huffing and looking to Castiel for help. “Cas, she -- she,” He couldn't form the words.

Castiel bent down and pulled Dean into a hug. “It will be okay.” He wasn’t so sure, but at least Dean seemed to believe it.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Yep, so that just happened. Remember when I made one of the tags "sad as fuck" ? Yeah. That. I'll see you soon for the next chapter.
> 
> Fun fact: I absolutely love the first four lines of this chapter. When I came up with this idea, they were the first four lines I wrote.


	4. four

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Castiel and Dean have sex for the first time. Luckily, Sam is in another room.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> only warning for this chapter: there are sexual scenes. 
> 
> Also, this is unedited, so if you see any mistakes, please point them out to me! I appreciate your kudos, and have a wonderful day/night.

Now that Jessica was -- let’s not say it, for Sam’s sake. 

Sam decided to start hunting again. So he got in the car with Dean and Castiel, sliding into the backseat with no words and silent tears streaming down his face. Dean didn’t know what to say, so he didn’t say anything. Instead, he kept his eyes on the road, with one hand on the wheel, and the other possessively gripping Castiel’s thigh. 

He wasn’t going to say it, or even mention it, but he worried whoever or whatever killed Jess was coming -- actually, he wasn’t going to think about it either. 

They dealt with a couple cases together, one with a wendigo, one with this awful magic lake, another on a plane -- Dean was absolutely terrified of that one, and wished Castiel had been with him. Unfortunately an angel couldn’t exactly be in a confined space with a demon -- and Dean neglected to mention that holding his boyfriend’s hand while exercising a demon wasn’t exactly professional. 

As soon as they landed, and the demon was taken care of, Dean called out to Castiel. He learned he could do that, pray to Castiel, and the angel would hear and come to him. It was much faster than any cell phone. “Cas!” 

Suddenly he was there and Dean was hugging him very tightly, and Sam didn’t even try to ask any questions like, how did he get here so fast? Castiel hugged Dean back, “What happened?”

“We went on a plane,” Dean breathed out before tightening his grip on the angel. 

Castiel nodded in sympathy, then looked at Sam. He reached into Dean’s pocket and took out his car keys. “Sam, take the car back to the motel. Dean and I will see you in the morning.”

Dean gave Sam a look. “Easy on the brakes, Sammy,” He pointed one accusatory finger, then they disappeared, leaving Sam alone in the parking lot, completely confused. 

-

Dean and Castiel arrived at the motel much faster than Sam. They got a room that was very far away from Sam’s, and as soon as they’d closed the door, Dean was in a frenzy. 

It had been a few months since their relationship officially started, and they still hadn’t had sex yet. They’d messed around, but Castiel always objected to “playing hide the sausage” (as Dean put it) because Dean hadn’t “bought him dinner first.” Dean shot back, “You don’t eat!” 

Recently, though, they hadn’t sealed the deal because Dean was too tired from hunting, or Sam was around, or Castiel wasn’t. But tonight, they were alone. Castiel was around, and Dean wasn’t tired. It helped also, that Dean had gone through a traumatic experience and was in need of… comfort. 

Dean stepped into the room first, grasping tightly at Castiel’s wrist. Castiel closed the door and turned to Dean, who pushed the angel back into it. Dean knew he should ask before doing something like that, and even hesitated for a brief moment before Castiel pulled him closer anyway. 

It was passionate, the kiss, and soon Dean was being manhandled, so that his legs were wrapped around Castiel’s torso, and the angel pulled away briefly to admire the view in front of him. “You’re beautiful, Dean,” he said gently, before placing long, thoughtful kisses to his neck. 

“Cas,” Dean whined. “You shouldn’t tease me.”

“I’m merely getting you excited, Dean.”

“That’s called teasing!” 

“Well I could always stop --”

“No!”

Castiel chuckled, and ran his fingers through Dean’s hair lovingly. “You really are quite beautiful, Dean.”

Dean rolled his eyes, and pulled Castiel in for more kisses. “You’re talking too much,” He mumbled, untangling his legs and tugging off Castiel’s coat. As he was loosening Castiel’s tie, pulling it off, and starting on his shirt buttons, he pressed soft kisses to Castiel’s lips and neck, ”You’re ‘quite beautiful’ too, Cas.” He rolled his eyes at the phrasing, but the sentiment was genuine. 

Castiel stopped Dean then, to pull back and watch him with a calm fascination. “You mean that?” 

Dean looked at him, confused for half a second, then busied himself with the rest of Castiel’s buttons. “Obviously,” He looked shyly back up at the angel, a blush spreading up his face. He trailed his fingers down Castiel’s newly exposed chest -- which only made him blush harder, because he’d seen it so few times, “You’re beautiful.” 

“Dean,” Castiel said quietly. He tilted Dean’s head up and kissed him. 

After that, there were no more words, only frequent and passionate kisses. Castiel shrugged off his shirt, and started to take off Dean’s leather jacket, plaid outer shirt and Dean pulled off his t-shirt by himself. 

Castiel picked Dean up again, thrusting him backwards into a wall to work on his belt and jeans zipper. Dean had yelped, but nodded vigorously for Castiel to continue. He tugged Dean’s jeans halfway down his thighs, as far down as he could, then he turned so he could plop Dean down on the bed. The jeans came off, then the boxers, and Castiel undid his own belt, allowing Dean to sit up and tug his pants off as well. 

Then Dean laid back on the bed at the same time Castiel leaned over him. Without even touching, Dean figured staring into Castiel’s eyes like this was the most intimate thing he’d ever do. 

Castiel looked down between them for a moment and finally started to stroke Dean’s sides, causing a whole-body shiver. “Cas,” Dean whined.

Castiel looked up at Dean as he leaned down further, placing small kisses over the hunter’s stomach and up his chest, stopping to fondle his nipples, then up to Dean’s neck. He bit very gently, scraping his teeth along sensitive spots, then going back over them with his tongue. It went on for several minutes, and tell-tale red marks bloomed on the skin.

“Is this teasing acceptable?” He pulled back so he could see Dean’s face. He noticed that Dean was leaking lightly onto his stomach, digging half-moons into his palms.

Dean’s eyes were hazy, his face red, and lips parted slightly around quiet pants. Castiel smiled, and Dean nodded lazily. “Please, Cas,” Dean begged, his voice wrecked. 

“Of course, Dean,” The angel replied sweetly. He rested his forehead against Dean’s and reached down between his legs, giving him careful, focused, attention. “How does that feel?”

Dean moaned quietly, and tried to roll his eyes at the smug angel, but the attention was higher on his list of priorities. Instead, he pulled Castiel down to him in a kiss, pulling the angel farther down in between his legs. There was another small moan, and Castiel pulled away again. “Why did you stop?”

“Would you like to face me or lay on your stomach?”

Dean took a moment to think about it, but ultimately only moved so he was laying properly on the bed, in the middle and on his back. “Come here,” He stretched his arms out to Castiel.

“Very well,” Castiel crawled up on the bed to lay between Dean’s legs again. “Hand me one of those pillows.”

Dean did as asked, turning to reach behind him. “Do you need anything else…?” He looked at Castiel again, noticing that although the angel hadn’t moved, there was a condom wrapper between his teeth and a small bottle in his hands -- he was reading the label. He took the pillow from Dean and put it under the hunter’s lower back. “Never mind,” Dean added softly.

“I’ll start, now,” Castiel mentioned, taking the condom in his hand. Dean watched the fingers above him work with a delirious interest, and pulled Castiel forward in a kiss when the fingers disappeared below. 

Dean tried not to wince, and everytime he felt the urge, he would open his eyes just to make sure Castiel was still close and kissing him. After a minute or two, Castiel was closer than he’d ever been, all warm and dry skin, brushing against Dean in a smooth rhythm. 

“Cas,” Dean said breathlessly after awhile.

“Is everything okay?”

“Tell me,” Dean made a soft grunt. “Tell me how you feel about me?”

Castiel chuckled and kissed Dean, open-mouthed and partially aggressive. “I love you.”

“Again,” Dean begged.

“I love you,” It sounded akin to an indisputable fact. 

Dean was getting closer, another fact completely evident to Castiel when the hunter brokenly asked, “Again.”

“I love you,” Castiel kissed Dean again, “I love you.” 

And Dean was gone. 

-

Dean woke up early the next morning, as rays of sunshine filtered in through the window. 

He was feeling well-rested for once, and behind him was the warm, solid figure of Castiel, hugging tightly and breathing calmly. 

“Are you asleep?” Dean whispered. 

“No,” Castiel confirmed. “How are you? Are you feeling alright?”

Dean shifted to face his angel, pressing a chaste kiss to his lips, “Slightly sore,” He admitted. “But nothing I can’t handle. I --” He immediately blushed. “I really enjoyed that, last night.”

“I’m glad,” Castiel smiled proudly. “I believe you now have ownership of my ‘v-card’, Dean.” 

Dean raised his eyebrows, “Really? How did you know -- actually, I don’t want to know.” He pushed Castiel onto his back to lean over him. “Would you like to do it again?”

Castiel chuckled. “Of course. But I’d like you to recover today, if that’s alright.”

Dean shrugged. “That’s reasonable.” He pressed another kiss to Castiel’s lips below him. “I love you, Cas. I didn’t get a chance to tell you before.”

“It’s unnecessary, Dean. I know how you feel regardless of whether you vocalize it or not. You, on the other hand, always seem to forget after I tell you.”

Dean made a face. “I don’t forget, I just -- I like to hear you say it,” He blushed deeply.

Castiel raised an eyebrow. Then he chuckled lightly and squeezed Dean’s torso. “I love you.”

“Say it --”

“I love you.”

“Aga --”

“I love you.”

Dean made another face. “Stop interrupting.”

“I’m only doing what you’ve asked,” Castiel replied innocently. 

“Well, I’d still like to ask!”

“I love you,” Castiel kissed Dean’s lips and cheeks twice each before uncurling his arms. “You usually go to the bathroom after waking up.”

Dean feigned a heavy sigh, because he really had to pee, but still reluctantly got out of bed. “It’s creepy, how well you know me.”

Castiel shrugged. “Indeed. Take a quick shower before coming back, Dean. There’s something else I’d like to try before we see Sam.”

Dean did as requested, leaving the bathroom door open so he and Castiel could see each other through the bathroom mirror. “What do you want to try?”

“You’ll see soon enough, Dean.”

Dean shrugged. “Okay.” He figured Castiel had some news or information about John. As he washed his body, he reflected on the night before. Blushed a little, realizing how vulnerable he was, but how safe he felt. How it felt to look up at Castiel as the angel mercilessly pleasured him. He felt himself start to harden at just the thought, and with a glance at the mirror, he realized Castiel was smiling at him. 

“Come here,” Castiel said. He shifted his voice to be a bit deeper when he commanded, “Now.” Dean turned off the water and reached for a towel, but Castiel shook his head. “Come here, now.”

“Okay,” Dean felt his blush travel down his neck and chest as Castiel’s eyes trailed up and down his body. 

Dean laid down on the bed next to Castiel, and was quickly pinned by the angel’s body; overcome by several deep kisses. Then Castiel’s lips were travelling down, to Dean’s neck, clavicle, chest, taking a nice little rest at his nipples, then continuing down past the belly button, all the way to Dean’s inner thighs. Castiel looked up once, as if to ask permission, and Dean merely stared. 

Castiel turned his attention to Dean’s thighs, and pressed his passionate, open-mouthed kisses there. Dean couldn’t exactly see what was happening, so he closed his eyes. When one of his hands subconsciously travelled towards his erection, Castiel knocked it away. When Dean opened his eyes to protest, sitting up slightly, Castiel looked deeply into his eyes. While maintaining that eye contact, Castiel took Dean into his mouth, all the way, no hesitation, no gag reflex, not even a single blink. 

Dean raised his eyebrows and covered his mouth with one hand and laid back down. 

Then he was moaning and threading his fingers into Castiel’s hair. He tugged lightly, and squeezed his thighs together gently. He lasted a whopping fifteen minutes before Castiel finally took his mouth away. 

“You wanted to try that, huh?”

“Yes, I’ve never done it before. It was fun.”

“Good, because you’re going to do that again later.”

“Of course, Dean.”

-

As the weeks went by, Castiel became more human. 

It started when he got hungry for the first time and took some of Dean’s food. Then he found a need to use the bathroom, sometimes leaving Dean half asleep in bed and darting to the toilet because he needed “to urinate immediately”.

The “magic powers” went away too; no more flying, no more teleporting, no more healing, and worst of all, Castiel couldn’t hear prayers anymore. He started sleeping too, either next to Dean or tangled around Dean or in Dean’s arms. Sometimes he slept in the backseat so Sam could ride shotgun.

Castiel also became extremely horny. 

Fortunately, he always asked before diving into Dean’s pants or shoving Dean’s hands into his. He also always made sure to have “the sex supplies” (as he called them) -- a handful of condoms and several tubes of lube -- in his trench coat’s breast pocket. When Dean asked why, Castiel replied, “When you want me to bend you over a table in a library, I’ll be ready.”

Dean had laughed, but he actually did want that sometimes… another thing Castiel knew so well. 

Dean did feel guilty, and more scared than ever that something bad would happen, but he had to admit, human Castiel was just as good, if not better, than angel Castiel. They could finally share meals together, fall asleep in a bath together, get drunk together, and sleep in bed together -- before, one or both would lie awake and pretend to sleep. 

Dean took Castiel to bars frequently. It was sort of to see if Castiel had any sexual desires towards other people, but Dean’s insecurities were always proved wrong. Castiel never even looked at the other people, only Dean. Dean found it funny when other people would look at him and Castiel would get extremely jealous. But it also meant making out, usually when drunk, so Dean was okay with it. Besides, he didn’t look at other people either. 

“Cas,” Dean started one night. Castiel was sipping at a beer and intensely staring at his hand on Dean’s thigh. He looked up at Dean. “What do you want to do, now that you’re human?”

Castiel pondered, taking more sips from his beer. “Well I’ll be growing older now. I’ve always wanted to celebrate my birthday. Or maybe find someone nice and settle down with him.” Dean looked utterly confused for a moment. Castiel continued, “I’ve already found you, Dean.” He grabbed Dean’s chin and stared intensely into Dean’s eyes. “There is no one else I desire, aside from you, Dean.”

Dean was relieved, but said, “Say it, then,” anyway. 

Castiel rolled his eyes, and kissed Dean. “I love you.”

“Just one mo --”

“I love you.”

Then Dean let his relief show on his face. “I love you, too. Can we go back to our motel for --” He cleared his throat and leaned in closer so that no one else could hear, “Some of that absolutely perfect pounding?”

Castiel let a tiny laugh burst out. “Why must you always phrase it like that?”

“Because I love watching you get embarrassed when you agree,” Dean replied smoothly. 

Castiel rolled his eyes. “Goodbye, Sam,” He took another drink from his beer and got up from his seat, offering Dean his hand to hold. “We’ll most likely see you in the morning.”

Sam had been eyeing a particular girl at the bar, and most likely wouldn’t be going back to the motel room that night. 

Dean silently rejoiced that he and his angel would be alone. “Call me if you need a ride,” He said, winking, before he let Castiel pull him outside. 

Once in the car, alone and in the quiet air, Dean started the engine. “I love you, Cas.”

“I love you, too.”

“Please say it one more time.”

“I love you.”

“Just one more, please.”

“Why, Dean?” Castiel asked why for the first time.

Dean looked a little shocked, then sort of disappointed, then sad. He took Castiel’s hand and held it very tight. “I just want to make sure it’s real.” It wasn’t exactly what he wanted to say.

“You know it is. What is the real reason?”

Dean looked almost on the verge of tears. “Because, one day -- I hope it never happens -- but one day, I’m going to wish I heard you say it one more time.”

Castiel is silent for a long time before he wipes Dean’s eyes, kisses him, and says, “I love you,” one more time. He hopes Dean will never be alone again, vows to stay by his side, no matter what. When they get back to the motel room, Castiel presses "I love you"s to every inch of Dean's skin and repeats it as many times as Dean needs to hear it. 

He never asks why again.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So we've got one chapter left! I hope you've all enjoyed the story so far. I also hope things aren't too obvious, seeing as this is my first Destiel fic that isn't a one shot. I'll see you soon for the final chapter!


	5. five

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Cuddling was nice too, and after an hour or two, both were ready for a round two. Dean gave Castiel a cowboy hat to wear -- for no particular reason, it was just “insanely hot.”
> 
> When they did finally fall asleep, the sun was starting to peek through the windows. And so began the first day.
> 
> And the last.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So this is the last chapter!! Thank you so much for reading my first work, i will probably be working on some one shots for you guys in a few weeks if you want to keep reading my writing. 
> 
> As I was writing i for some reason could not stop mentioning blow jobs, so apologies. 
> 
> This chapter does contain sexual scenes!! Not super graphic, but I thought I should warn you anyway.
> 
> Have an amazing day/night, and please don't hate me after this!

Sam was fed up. 

“Dean,” he said one morning. 

Castiel was asleep, so Dean got up gently and walked to the other side of the room, to talk to Sam, who was behind his laptop. “What is it, Sammy?” He watched Castiel out of the corner of his eye, and noticed he started to toss and turn, searching for Dean’s warmth. Dean wanted to go back and lay with him.

He looked back at Sam, who pinched the bridge of his nose with agitation. “Listen, Dean,” Sam started. He looked over at Castiel as he talked. “You deserve to be happy. I can find Dad on my own.”

Dean’s eyes started to prickle. “Sam, what the hell are you saying?” He was trying to keep his voice down, so he ended up half-shouting the question.

Sam glared over at Dean, his own tears filling his eyes. “Dean, I lost her. I got forced back into this. But you,” Sam looked back at Castiel. “You have him. You’re an adult, and you deserve to be happy.”

“You want me to leave you alone?”

Sam rolled his eyes. “No, but you have a chance at a real life here. With him.”

“But I’m your older brother…” Dean tried to come up with reasons to stay. “I brought this whole Dad thing to you, I got you back into hunting, I couldn’t save Jess,” Sam gave a warning look, and Dean shouted the last part, “I started all this!” 

Castiel sat up, startled, and Dean shot him an apologetic look. “What’s going on, Dean?” He wiped his eyes with one hand and swung his legs over the side of the bed. He glanced between the brothers, waiting for someone to say something. “Dean?”

Dean sighed and looked at Sam. “You wanna explain to us why you’re doing this?”

Castiel looked at Sam, then nervously trudged over to Dean, grasping his shoulders with both hands. He leaned down and whispered in Dean’s ear. “Should I give you some privacy?”

Dean looked at his boyfriend as he pulled away, and held onto one of his arms. “Please, don’t.” 

When Dean finally looked back at Sam, he realized exactly what his younger brother was talking about. He scratched the back of his neck, and flushed a little. Sam smiled politely, “Do you see what I mean?”

Dean looked at Castiel, “Yeah, I think I do, Sammy.”

\---

Dean felt horrible about it. At first.

He gave Sam a prolonged hug goodbye, but saved the tears. Castiel even gave Sam a hug, but it barely classified as friendly and lasted five seconds. Dean’s voice was tight when he asked, “Do you want the car?”

Sam put his hand on Dean’s shoulder, “No, it’s yours. Keep it, Dean.” He nodded to Castiel, “Take care of him for me, Cas?”

Castiel nodded and pulled Dean away from Sam, pulling him into a tight hug. “Go, Sam.”

Dean closed his eyes. He couldn’t bear to see Sam go. To see him leave for a third time. For the final time. 

It wasn’t as bad this go around, because Sam sent postcards and letters, called and visited every time he could. But Dean still missed him. Missed him and missed him. 

Castiel was a great distraction from the grief, always there with hugs and affectionate kisses. He kept Dean’s mind off hunting and Sam, and John too. But Dean still had trouble sleeping sometimes. Trouble focusing. He cried too, but didn’t want Castiel to see him. So Dean pushed him away. 

What he didn’t count on was Castiel pushing back. 

After three weeks of living in their new apartment together, Castiel was fed up, angry even. Not really at Dean, just at the situation. So he brought this up one night when Dean had shut himself in their room.

“Dean!” Castiel pounded on the door. “Open the door, please!” 

Dean opened it a crack but didn’t let Castiel see his face. “Did I do something wrong?”

“I don’t know, Dean. Please let me come in. I know you haven’t been sleeping recently and I know you’re upset.”

“Do you even know how I feel?”

“Not exactly, but I’ve spent enough time with you and your brother to be able to understand,” Castiel replied. “Although I understand why, I don’t appreciate how you’ve been treating me.”

That was what got Dean to show his face. His eyes were red and bloodshot, and his face was more gaunt than Castiel thought. Dean’s eyes prickled, “I’m so sorry, Cas.” He opened the door fully and pulled Castiel into his arms. “I just feel so… lost.”

Castiel held the side of Dean’s face. “Remember when I first became human? I felt lost too.”

“You did?”

“Yes,” Castiel replied, his eyes downcast. 

“I didn’t know that,” Dean wiped his eyes and pulled Castiel to sit next to him on the couch. “Are you okay now?”

Castiel shyly looked up at Dean, and held both of his hands. “I’m still working on it, every day. But you helped me.”

“Why tell me now?”

“I’m showing you an example. You helped me, and I think I can help you, too.”

Dean seemed to be slightly more distressed by that small piece of information. He held onto Castiel tightly, and made a small squeak. “I love you,” Dean pulled away and wiped his eyes again. “I’m so sorry. I think I really need your help.”

“Then I’m here to give it,” Castiel pulled Dean in for a kiss.

-

More time passed, more days and more weeks, and Dean found more joy in his new, normal life. 

Castiel made it a lot easier, of course. He asked Dean every day how he was feeling, and if the answer was unsatisfactory, Castiel would ask, “How can I help?”

The first few days, Dean would burst into tears at just that. But it got a little easier to ask for help. To accept help. They started sleeping in the same bed again, sleeping together again, and Dean smiled more. 

For their first Christmas as a couple, Castiel got Dean a puppy. Castiel named it Jimmy. “Why that name?”

“It was my vessel’s name. Jimmy Novak.” 

“What happened to him? Is he still… in there with you?”

“No, he’s in Heaven,” Castiel replied, setting the puppy on the living room floor. 

There was a long period of silence while Dean watched Jimmy run around and sniff everything. He started to space out, and while staring at the ground, he asked a question absentmindedly.

“Where will I go when I die?”

“Why do you ask?”

Dean smirked, “I wanna know where to meet you.”

Castiel smiled back, “I don’t know where you’ll go. But if I have anything to do with it, you won’t be going anywhere for a very long time.” He leaned in to kiss Dean, and reached down to pick up Dean’s legs, wrapping them around himself. Dean kissed back, letting Castiel pick him up and take him to the bedroom. “I missed you, Dean.”

Dean starts taking off his clothes slowly, reaching for Castiel’s at the same time. “I’m sorry,” Dean says, pulling back to see Castiel’s face and abandoning the clothes to hold it. 

“It’s behind us now,” Castiel forgives. “More kissing.”

Dean obliges, hugging Castiel’s torso tightly with his legs while they make out. Castiel pulled away to strip, much to Dean’s liking, then came back to undress Dean too. There’s more kissing, some fondling, then stroking and moaning. 

“Cas,” Dean was straddling Castiel, leaning over him, resting on one arm, and stroking Castiel below him with the free hand. “Can we do it like this?”

Castiel nodded, eyes half-lidded and pulled Dean down for another kiss. “Have we done it like this before?” 

Dean shook his head. “I don’t think so.”

“Then it will be a nice change of pace,” Castiel kissed him again. 

“I agree,” Dean replied. “More kissing, please.”

Castiel nodded, “I --” But he gets interrupted by Dean’s tongue. 

Dean stepped back and prepared himself, finding immense joy in watching Castiel wait for him. He scolds Castiel when his hands reach downwards on himself, grabbing his wrists in an iron grip and pulling them away. “Not yet. I want to do that.”

“Apologies. Go faster.”

“Touchy, touchy, huh?”

“Dean.”

“Alright, alright, calm down.”

Dean crawls on top of Castiel, carefully sitting down on him. Then he leans forward to kiss at Castiel’s neck and collar bone, using his hands to fondle at the nipples, and caress the skin below them. 

“I love you, Dean.”

“Say -- say it again.”

“I love you!”

“Again.”

“I love you.”

Dean stopped talking, moving instead to kiss and moan into Castiel’s neck. “I love you,” he eventually replied.

“I love you, too.”

\---

The year went by most uneventfully. On the Apocalyptic scale, at least.

Dean proposed on Valentine’s Day, after his twenty seventh birthday. He was feeling much happier, with Sam out fighting the good fight; with Jimmy and Castiel by his side. He was going to get married, too, on the last day of September. 

It seemed it couldn’t come fast enough, and then suddenly it was here.

Sam had found John, and both agreed to go to the wedding. An old family friend -- Dean’s second father more like -- Bobby Singer, came too. 

Dean held Castiel’s hand, as they waited to be brought to the rehearsal dinner. Dean was quite nervous, but Castiel assured him at every instance. 

“Dean,” Castiel’s eyes were downcast, because he wasn’t sure if he should say what he was thinking about saying. He was fiddling with the ring Dean had given him all those months ago.

Dean, despite all his nerves, immediately bent down in order to look Castiel in the eyes. “What’s wrong?”

Castiel had a fearful look in his eyes, but he closed them too quickly for Dean to say anything. “Do you still want to get married?”

At first Dean was a little hurt. Then he realized the question really meant. “Are you scared?” He asked sincerely, and quietly. 

Castiel opened his eyes and lifted Dean’s chin so he was standing upright again. He nodded ever so slightly, and slowly drew Dean into a tight hug. “Tell me everything will be okay.”

“Everything will be okay, Cas.”

He drew in a deep breath and blew it out past Dean’s neck. “Thank you, Dean.”

They pulled apart to rest their foreheads together, and Dean was wearing his signature smirk again. Castiel playfully rolled his eyes and kissed it away. Dean pulled Castiel’s hips into his, “You know, we could go in there and play the mature couple; eat dinner and sit through toasts…” He smirked again, pressing his forehead closer to Castiel’s. “Or we could ditch the whole thing and make out on my car.”

Castiel snorted, giving into a brief fit of laughter. “But if we stay, we get food,” He countered.

Dean smacked his lips together. “I guess making out can wait until later.” He also had a brief vision of eating food off of Castiel’s back, or stomach, or anything really. He surged forward to kiss Castiel.

They pulled apart, and Castiel kissed Dean’s knuckles, lifting his fiance’s hand to his lips. “When we first met, I told you why I came here, right?”

Dean furrowed his brows at the subject change, and tried to think back to their first interaction. You were so different back then, He thought. “I don’t remember what you said.”

Castiel smiled a little. “I told you that I came to be there for you.”

Dean’s eyes prickled at the words, and he remembered the exact moment Castiel said that. He clenched his hand around Castiel’s. “You did.”

“But in the three years since, I’ve found that you’ve been there for me too. I just wanted to thank you, Dean. For everything.” 

“I should be thanking you,” Dean mumbled. He looked down at the ground and rubbed his neck with his free hand. “You were the one who came here for me. Left everything you knew for me.”

“You’re welcome,” Castiel replied earnestly. He flashed a bright smile, and turned to pull Dean into the dining room.

Dean stopped him, pulling him close again. “You know, Cas, you make the world stop spinning.”

They were looking into each other’s eyes, and it was all Castiel could do to keep from melting into a puddle. “I love you so much, Dean.”

“I love you, too.”

“I love you.”

“I heard you the first time, Cas.”

Castiel tilted his head adorably. “You usually ask at least three times for me to repeat myself.” He placed his palm on Dean’s forehead. “Are you feeling alright?”

Dean smiled, pushing Castiel’s hand off his head. “You’ve said it plenty of times, Cas. You make my world shine brighter, just by being here.”

“I love you,” Castiel melted and kissed Dean like a teenager.

When they pulled away, Dean cleared his throat and tried not to look as flushed as he was. “We should -- we should probably get in there.”

Castiel blinked, “Oh right, dinner.”

Dean laughed. 

-

The rehearsal dinner was not as cringey as Dean expected. 

Once he had started eating (and knocking back the whiskeys) his nerves calmed down. Sitting next to Castiel was also grounding, as his fiance showed no signs of discomfort or doubts. Dean assumed their talk before dinner had helped calm him down a bit, too.

When the night was almost over, and everyone had left except Sam, Castiel, and Dean, all of Dean’s nerves came flooding back. He and Castiel had agreed to spend the night before their wedding apart so their first night as a married couple would be all the more special. 

Dean longed for the next day to start already. 

As he walked Castiel to the room he’d be sleeping in for the night, he felt his stomach twist up with anxiety. “You’ll be alright by yourself?” 

“Yes, Dean,” Castiel replied, getting out his key as the door got closer. “I’m sure I will miss you tonight, but I am very much looking forward to tomorrow.”

“Well, I am, too!” Dean sputtered. “I just --” He leaned in close, hooking his chin on Castiel’s shoulder. “I’m worried something might happen if you’re alone.”

Castiel turned with a sympathetic expression on his face. “You shouldn’t worry so much. We’ll be seeing each other again in,” He checked Dean’s watch. “Six hours.”

“Well, don’t be late.”

“I would never, Dean.”

“Make sure you go right to sleep, you have to look your best for tomorrow.”

“Of course.”

“Make sure Sam helps you with the bowtie tomorrow, I want it to be straight.”

“Unlike you.”

Dean smiled, a little, but played with Castiel’s tie -- something he did when he was nervous. “Make sure you shower in the morning.”

“You should, too.”

“And --”

“Dean,” Castiel said firmly, lifting Dean’s chin with one finger. “Everything will be fine. You need to go to sleep.” Then a fond, wistful smile spread across his face. “I want you to be glowing on that altar for me.”

Dean flushed completely, and leaned forward for a good night kiss, eyes slightly wide. “I love you, Cas.”

“I love you, too.”

“Just one more time?” Dean looked at Castiel sheepishly. “I’m not as brave as I thought.”

Castiel smiled again, content to marry Dean in that exact instant. “You’ll always be brave to me. I love you, Dean, very deeply, and I would trade my entire life for a simple few months with you.”

“Damn, Cas.” There was another kiss, then several more.

“I love you.”

“I love you, too. I’ll see you in the morning?”

“Of course, Dean.”

Then Dean placed a hand on Castiel’s cheek, memorizing every feature of his face. They kissed once more, then Sam was grumbling something about sleep and getting up early, grabbing Dean’s arm and practically dragging him away. “Good night!” Dean yelled from down the hall, walking backwards so he could keep his eyes on Castiel.

Castiel smiled, chuckling to himself, and waved before unlocking his door and stepping inside. He went to sleep hugging a pillow to his chest, pretending it was Dean.

-

Sam married Dean and Castiel. 

Dean was so proud to see his little brother up there with him, telling Dean and Castiel to repeat after him and place the rings on each others fingers -- they both had gotten very nice matching silver ones -- and to recite their vows. 

Dean and Castiel had decided during wedding planning that they didn’t want anyone else hearing their vows, except each other. Dean went first, leaning in close to Castiel’s ear to whisper what he’d come up with.

Dean wrote his own vows. He had written them before he proposed, and had rewritten them several times since, so that they were absolutely perfect.

He gave Castiel the lightest kiss on his cheek before starting. “You’re an angel, Cas,” he started. 

Cas nodded, “Obviously.”

Dean snorted. “You’re MY angel,” He corrected. “I like to think that if you hadn’t found me when you did, I would have met you anyway. Either on Earth or in Heaven -- it doesn’t really matter where -- ugh, this is getting off track.”

“It’s alright, Dean,” Castiel put a soothing hand on Dean’s arm. 

Dean took in a deep breath. “I love you so much, Cas. That’s all I’m tryin’ to say. We’ve fought and gotten angry before, been in bad places together, but you’ve always helped me out. I was in hell sometimes but you were always with me, guiding me and loving me and supporting me -- there’s nothing I could ever do to repay you. So with this ring,” Dean touched the ring he had put on Castiel’s finger. “I want to make it a promise. I promise to love you and guide you, support you and pull you out of hell when you feel stuck there. I want to spend the rest of my life trying to give you what you’ve given me. And you’ve given me everything, really.” He was almost on the verge of tears, but pulled back to look Castiel in the eyes. “And,” A grin spread across his face. “I also promise unlimited blow jobs, until you get sick of them.”

“Oh,” Castiel shook his head lightly, blinking back tears himself. “That’ll never happen.”

Castiel put his forehead against Dean’s when he replied, “I love you, Cas.”

“And I you, Dean,” He wiped at his eyes, and looked briefly at Sam. “It’s my turn, I assume?”

Sam nodded, “Yes. Put the ring on his finger, then recite your vows.”

“Thank you, Sam,” Castiel nodded, genuinely thanking the younger Winchester, and not for the instructions. “Dean,” he closed his eyes briefly, holding Dean’s hands close. He slipped the ring onto Dean’s finger, then took in a deep breath, mirroring Dean. “You’re all I ever wanted. I can say that in the thousands of years that I’ve been alive, you are what makes me most happy. You are so kind and thoughtful; so loving and a true hero. Whether you’re fighting evil or making dinner, I want to be there for all of it. You’ve shown me so much, about life and happiness, and you taught me how to love. You’ve changed me for the better, and I want to keep growing with you; changing with you. So no matter how many times you ask, I will always say ‘I love you’. You are my everything. My happiness. My brother -- my family. I know you’ll always be there for me, and I will always be there for you. I love you.”

Tears were streaming down Dean’s face when Castiel looked up, and he quickly wiped them away. They chuckled at each other -- neither one ever expected to be so sappy. 

Sam pronounced them married, and they kissed for the first time as a married couple. It was long and deep, and both would remember it forever. 

At least, Dean would.

-

The reception was short, mostly because Dean and Castiel were already drunk and tugging at each other’s tuxedos. 

They were able to get upstairs as the clock struck midnight, finishing the day off with a big bang. November first was here, and Dean was so happy he’d lasted the entire day without throwing up, bolting, or crying -- well, he cried once. But it was still an achievement!

Castiel fumbled with the honeymoon suite key, as Dean hanging off his neck was quite distracting, but was finally able to unlock the door. They stumbled inside and onto the bed, kissing and accidentally tearing shirt buttons. They laughed, and kept kissing. 

Castiel cackled maniacally when he pulled Dean’s pants and boxers off with one tug, climbing on top of him with kisses pressing in everywhere. “I love you,” He said breathlessly. “And guess what?” He asked excitedly.

“What?”

“You’re my husband!”

“I know!”

“Dean, can I ask a favor of you?”

“Yes!”

“Earlier you were talking about blow jobs --”

“Say no more!” Dean flipped them around and worked his way down Castiel’s front. “It will be so amazing, you won’t even be able to move!”

And Dean was right. Castiel simply laid back, letting Dean squeeze his thighs and use his tongue in the most creative ways…

He stopped Dean a little earlier than he would have liked, but Castiel was going to Bonetown, and Dean was coming too (pun intended). 

Despite slow thrusts and long, languid kisses, Dean and Castiel both came quicker than expected. Blame was put on the alcohol from earlier in the night and the fact that they’d been wanting to jump each other’s bones for several nights in a row without being able to. 

Cuddling was nice too, and after an hour or two, both were ready for a round two. Dean gave Castiel a cowboy hat to wear -- for no particular reason, it was just “insanely hot.”

When they did finally fall asleep, the sun was starting to peek through the windows. And so began the first day.

And the last.

-

Dean woke up before Castiel, late into the afternoon of November first. 

He was surprised that he woke up during the day at all. He was naked, with Castiel snuggled in close under the covers. The room was a mess, with clothes tossed haphazardly around, several used condoms littered the carpet, and next to them Dean noticed a certain cowboy hat that Castiel wore sometimes -- more times than Dean would care to admit.

He held Castiel, kissing his neck and hands gently until his new husband woke up, blinking to try to get used to the sunlight. “Hello, Dean.”

“Mornin’, sunshine.”

Castiel rubbed his eyes, his new silver ring glinting in the light. “What time is it?”

“A little after three,” Dean said. “I think we should pack up, get Jimmy, and head home.”

“Alright. What time is our plane tomorrow?”

They had booked a honeymoon to Hawaii, to spend their first week married on a beach together, or in a hammock together, or in a bed and -- ahem. Dean picked his mind up out of the gutter and wiped his face with one hand. “Noon, I think.”

“I’m glad,” Castiel sat up, searching for a clean pair of boxers on the messy floor. “I think I will need to sleep in tomorrow morning.”

“I agree,” Dean nodded. “You have a way of making me sore in all the right places, Cas.”

Castiel chuckled, pulling a pair of boxers up and grabbing some jeans. “You were the one who begged for a round three, not me.”

“I didn’t exactly hear any objections,” Dean jokes. 

“You know I can’t say no to you,” Castiel pulled on a t-shirt, and grabbed a pair of Dean’s boxers, intent on handing them to his new husband.

“Yes, I do.” The boxers hit Dean in the face.

But Castiel can’t even pretend to be mad, jumping on Dean while he’s only got one leg in his boxers, and kissing him into the mattress like a teenager, all giddy and excited. He pulled away, flashing his biggest smile, because Dean was there and they were actually married with the rest of their lives ahead of them and so much happiness yet to discover still. 

“I love you, Dean.”

“I love you, too,” Dean replies, feeling for the first time that he won’t need to ask Castiel to repeat himself anymore. They were finally together, united by the bonds of marriage and finally, finally one. 

“You haven’t asked me to repeat myself.”

“I know,” Dean smiles, kissing Castiel. “You’re here. And we’re together. That’s all I need, I think.”

Dean and Castiel arrive back at their apartment around 7, after saying goodbye to a few hunters that came cross-country for the wedding, and to John and Bobby. Sam was the last to say goodbye, but he made sure Dean knew he was only a town or two away in case he was needed, for “literally anything, EXCEPT sex stuff.”

Jimmy was very excited to see the new husbands. So much so that he almost pissed all over the carpet. Castiel was able to pick him up and get him to the bathtub before too much was ruined, and then decided that it’d probably be best if Dean took him on a walk. 

“I’ll shower while you walk him, then when you get back we can get some pizza or something. I’m starving.”

“Alright,” Dean kissed Castiel, then got Jimmy’s leash. Dean called a pizza place a few blocks away, “Pick up, for Dean,” so he could walk Jimmy there, and have pizza for Castiel when he got out of the shower. 

He smiled to himself. Little surprises like these were something he hoped to always have in the future. He came back home, pizza in hand, just in time to see Castiel pulling on a white t-shirt and towel drying his hair. 

Castiel opened his mouth to say something, but completely melted when he saw the pizza box. “Oh, Dean, you are truly something special.”

Dean wiggled his eyebrows as he set the box on the dining room table. “You could repay me with one of your absolutely beautiful blow jobs.”

Castiel looked from Dean to the pizza box, “Which do you want first?”

Dean raised his eyebrows and laughed. “Cas, you said you were starving. Let’s eat, yeah?”

“Okay,” Castiel chuckled, and took a bite of pizza, letting out a simply pornographic moan. 

“Well that’s just not fair,” Dean grumbles, taking a bite of his own slice. 

-

They went to sleep an hour or so later, Dean feeling completely blissed out after having his dick in Castiel’s mouth, and Castiel feeling sated and content.

They were cuddled in close together, Castiel in boxers and his white t-shirt, and Dean with pajama bottoms and his own shirt. 

He got up in the middle of the night, an hour before midnight, to go to the bathroom. He noticed Castiel’s silver ring on the counter, likely abandoned and forgotten about after his shower earlier in the night. Dean shrugged and put the ring on his own hand, so the two rings were stacked on top of each other. He would give it back to Castiel in the morning. 

Jimmy had followed him out of their bedroom, and started to scratch at the door. “You gotta go, too, Jimmy?” Jimmy made the cutest eyes, and Dean gave him a few nice pets. “Come on, I’ll take you for a quick walk, okay?”

He put some pants on, then his boots and a jacket and got Jimmy settled with his leash. He put his phone in his pocket, in case Castiel woke up while he was gone. 

During the walk -- which Dean had almost fallen asleep standing up, waiting for Jimmy to stop sniffing and pee already -- Sam called. 

“Hey, Dean, I’m about a half hour away. Can I crash on your couch tonight?”

“Sure. I’m walking Jimmy so if you get there before me, be quiet. Cas is asleep.”

“Sure thing. See you soon.”

Dean slipped the phone back into his pocket and walked Jimmy back to the apartment. Once inside, he peels off his boots, but is too tired to do anything else, so he collapses on the bed, eyes closed, ready to sleep again. 

Castiel must have gone to the bathroom while Dean was walking Jimmy, so he just decided to wait to get comfortable again. He loved holding Castiel while he slept. 

A few minutes went by, and Dean felt something wet drip onto his forehead. 

First one drip, then two, then a third. He opened his eyes to see what is dripping on him, and there, on the ceiling, is Castiel. His blue eyes are open, his mouth frozen in a silent scream, and his white shirt sticks to his stomach, where a large red shape is growing. 

Dean has never screamed so loud in his life. 

The fire starts surrounding Castiel, burning first his edges, then everything. All Dean can do is scream and scream and suddenly Sam is there, picking him up and dragging him out, “CAS! CAS! NO!” 

Dean swears he can see Castiel’s eyes follow him, a slight nod, then tears -- Dean could hear the silent “I love you” as if Castiel is right next to Dean’s ear. He kept screaming, arms reaching out towards the ceiling, towards Castiel -- just a little closer and he would be down from there, just a little more and he’ll be fine.

Sam was half dragging, and pushing Dean out of the room, grabbing Jimmy with one arm and getting them outside. He blinked back tears, because all of this seemed just a little too familiar.

When they were outside, Sam dumped Dean into the grass, letting Jimmy down next to him. He looked up at the window, where Dean’s bedroom was, where a blazing inferno was getting bigger, and took out his phone to call 911.

Dean was starting to hyperventilate. A panic attack. 

Castiel would’ve been able to calm me down from this, Dean thought. The world was suddenly spinning very very fast and Dean felt all of those ties that used to keep him grounded fall apart. Immediately and all at once, everything is gone. And Dean tries to keep a brave face, but he can’t. Everything burned up with Castiel. He watches with wide eyes as firemen drown the flames, saving the building and his neighbors, but not the most important thing. 

Not Dean’s most important thing. Then the tears start. 

Strangled gasps and harsh, painful sobs and all Dean can do is look at the rings on his finger. His below Castiel’s. He sucks in air but coughs painfully and EMTs are swarming him, trying to put an oxygen mask on him and take his vitals, but Dean can’t. He just can’t. Do. Anything. 

He thinks about everything he ever said to Castiel, everything -- every stupid fight, everytime he pushed Castiel away, everything they kissed, hugged, or touched each other. He can still feel Castiel’s tongue from earlier in the night and he sobs even harder. That was the last time he was ever touched by Castiel. By his husband. 

Sam walked out of Dean’s life, and there was nothing he could do about it. Jess died, and there was nothing he could do about it. He fell in love with Castiel, and there was nothing he could do about it. And now this -- Castiel is gone forever and Dean didn’t get to say goodbye. He didn’t get to say goodbye. There’s suddenly no more words from Castiel’s lips, no more kisses, no more anything. 

Dean’s teeth chatter together, and his tears trail down his face and he suddenly realizes all the people gathered around outside, staring at him. The News vans parked around -- everyone wants to talk to him about the “body recovered from the flames”. 

Dean looked to Sam, and without a word they got into the Impala, with Dean holding tightly onto Jimmy, still staring at the rings. 

“He’s -- he’s --” Dean couldn’t finish it. 

He felt empty and cold, so cold, and all of the happiness he was feeling just a few hours ago -- gone. He laughed bitterly to himself. At least he was right. Castiel did make his world shine brighter. 

The tears start up again and Sam steps on the gas. 

Dean remembered holding Castiel’s face, just two nights before, memorizing every little detail. And now he can’t forget. 

So beautiful and now just gone -- gone. 

Dean looked at his rings, and cried again. He hoped he was in the middle of a nightmare. That he’d wake up in Castiel’s arms and be able to kiss him one last time. 

At some point he drifts off in the passenger seat. 

And Castiel was gone.

-

Dean wakes up the next day in Bobby’s spare room. 

He realizes his phone is in his pocket, and it’s buzzing. There’s two new voice mails. One from Sam, from a few hours ago, just telling Dean to “Stay at Bobby’s. I’ll be back in a day or two with Dad.” Dean rubs his red eyes and sits up, petting Jimmy who is by his side, sleeping. He smiles so faintly, and then it’s gone like it never happened. He looks at the second voicemail, from the night before around midnight. 

It’s from Castiel. 

Dean immediately tears up again. Another panic attack. 

He pushes it down and before he can lose his nerve, listens to the message. 

“Hello, Dean. I woke up and you and Jimmy had left so I assume you’re walking him. I was going to ask you what you wanted for breakfast but I realized you weren’t here,” Dean hears a rare, adorable giggle. “Anyway, I can’t wait to go to Hawaii with you and have sex in the ocean.” Another laugh. “It’s something to cross off our bucket list... You looked so beautiful tonight, with your hands in my hair and everything… Come back so I can fuck you, okay? Don’t forget to lock the door. I love you. Goodbye, Dean.”

And Dean cried. He listened to it again. And he wished, so desperately, that somehow Castiel survived. That he would call and they’d live happily forever together.

He wished he'd heard that "I love you" one more time. 

He cried harder.

THE END.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> yep. so. I'm sorry. I am so so very sorry.
> 
> I intentionally made many parallels -- literally made a list titled "lines to hurt you" -- because i love full circle type things. I hope you enjoyed this story. Please leave comments if you'd like timestamps or a sequel or something! 
> 
> Fun fact: When I came up with this idea, I imagined the ending and my first thought was, "ooh, this is gonna ruin someone's day."


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